Therapy notes

Talked with H. — a lot about N. and what had been happening. Mentioned how N. seems to fill the space my ex-wife filled, or G. Even though it’s much more of a paternal, platonic relationship.

H. really got the “fills the same space” thing, and it brought me to tears. Later she talked about how she gets a strong connection pull from me — that I’m highly relational and seek connection and intimacy, that I have so much to give and am very nurturing.

She said I have this big space, this void, from attachment trauma, and that I have habits of trying to fill it — soothing and covering the trauma (drinking, and so on).

I described how we were taught that we all had this space, and that only God could fill it. How, even though I’d rejected the family’s solution — asking Jesus into my heart — I still carried the belief that I have a hole to be filled. And that I’d bought into the group’s line about how it can’t be filled with money, sex, or possessions, but I hadn’t figured out what to fill it with.

I said, “Doesn’t everyone have that hole?”