On Identity and Fitting In

I feel that in childhood I didn’t really develop much of an identity. I was often just trying to fit in and be liked so I wouldn’t have a hard time. This trying to please people continues into my adulthood.

In seeking to define my identity, I often focus on the feelings (creating an identity from suffering) or on the people, identifying myself through who my partner is — this becomes important in relationships, that I like who my partner is and the identity they provide by association. Or I identify strongly with certain themes or personas (environmentalist, minimalist, adventure racer, etc…) and create an identity out of that.

I’m always trying to find my place, where I fit in. That’s what the whole move to Canada is about, really. Not feeling like I fit in back in Australia. Often I don’t feel I fit with people who are too normal, conventional, or who are happy with things as they are. I tend to identify more with people who see the world differently, who have had difficult upbringings or experiences, or are trying to change the world (activists, greenies, etc…).

Studying French is about a regret from the past — being disappointed that I didn’t speak another language — and about building a persona that is interesting and complex (being someone who is multi-lingual).

So I’m not sure if it’s that I’m addicted to drama so much as that I’m trying to find myself. And maybe the story, the drama, is part of an identity that I’m constantly trying to get a handle on. Feeling like the past was complicated and inevitably the future will be as well.

Mostly, for me, this journey — and the lesson, if there is one — I suspect is about self-acceptance. About self-worth.